Are You Inadvertently Teaching Helplessness

Remember the classic children’s book, The Little Engine that Could, by Watty Piper. In the story, some toys were on a train that broke down and they needed help. They needed to get over the mountain to get to the children on the other side. The toy clown asked several passing engines for help. The Rusty Old Engine declined helping saying “I can not. I can not. I can not.” Little Blue Engine said “I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.” As parents we do our best to communicate to our kids that they can accomplish anything they set their mind to …or do we?

Learned Helplessness
At Mathnasium of Littleton we often hear students say “I can not” instead of “I think I can” when they are confronted with a challenging math problem. This attitude of learned helplessness can come from watching and imitating our parents. It can also come from not experiencing enough success or from a child not being allowed to struggle a bit and discover an answer or solution on their own.

Lead By Example
As parents you may not be in math class, but you still encounter learning opportunities daily. Every time you encounter a difficulty, it is a learning opportunity. Every time you hear about an unfamiliar subject, it is a learning opportunity. Children watch and learn how you approach these opportunities. They will likely copy your approach. They do what you do, not what you say.

Be Intentional With Your “Can do” Message
What do you do when you have a learning opportunity? Do you study the problem and try to solve it?  With unfamiliar subjects, do you show interest and ask questions. If so, your children will internalize the “can do” mentality. If instead you say things like, “I was never any good at X, Y, or Z.” they will internalize the attitude of the Rusty Old Engine that said “I can not.” This attitude will limit their mathematical success before they even start. Wouldn’t it have been cool if the toys in The Little Engine that Could learned to fix the broken engine themselves?

Allow Your Children Time and Space to Struggle a Bit
When doing their math homework at home, don't sit right next to them and watch their every move. Tell them you have faith in their ability to complete their work and you will review it with them when they are finished. Get up and go cook dinner or do something else. When a parent or trusted adult sits with a child during homework, a couple of things happen. Either the parent becomes impatient as the child struggles and they prompt them toward an answer, or they subtly, through breath or body movement, indicate a problem is wrong and the child seeks help and reassurance on how to complete the work. Sometimes, parents even give them the answer, especially at the end of a long, tedious and emotional homework session that everyone just wants to be finished! All of this diminishes a child's confidence in their own ability to find a solution and limits their retention of the material at hand.

Learning Opportunities Abound!
Be on the lookout for learning opportunities. When you find one, point it out to your child. Let your child see you wrestle with a challenge or difficulty and stay positive. Then the next time your child has a really difficult math problem, you will have some street credibility when you say, “I know you can.